The Escapades

15. Southern Comfort

2007-10-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

Occured: October 2007
Written: October 2007

Eventually you run out of shit to do in your own town.

Lunchbox calls me up with a nice little offer. He suggests that i take a trip down to Louisville. Why?

He's throwing a big Halloween party and wants me to bring the crew down.

Me being the academically driven student i am decided to go down to Louisville for the weekend. I called the crew and to them it seemed like a swell idea.

Eventually when the day comes Zamboni and Firecrotch can't go. Oh well i guess i seems like a good choice for them especially if your into "responsibility" kinda of things.

DAY 1:

So the triad of Me, Rainman, and KingDong. decide to go to louisville. The ride there was quite boring

until the barrage of drunken phone calls happen. A girl....we'll refer to her as "Skittle" was at a semi formal at her school and decides to give me roughly around 5 drunken phone calls every hour. Some good Convo's

[me]: hello?
[skittle]: hey im really wasted right now haha. me and my soroity sister are wondering whether or not our dates are more into us...or more into each other.

[me]: hello
[skittle]: hey im wasted!
[me]: that's awsome
[skittle]: you should turn around and come to texas
[me]: we are 2 hours from louisville, that wouldn't be possible
[skittle] but seriously, there are a lot of horny girls looking for some play tonight come on think about it
[me]: hmmm...no.

[me]: hello?
[skittle]: hey angel, angel, angel, lust. when are you coming to visit me in texas?
[me]: What are you saying?
[skittle] i have a preminition, i think i am going to die young
[me]: a pre-m what?
[skittle]: oh by the way, you should see me tonight i look hot, u'd be impressed, but i'll call you later im on a quest to get laid tonight. seriously though, you should come to texas.

We eventually make it to our destination. we just throw our bags in lunchbox's apartment and head out to the bars.

we go to a bar called Willy's and the scene there is pretty cool. I order a miller lite and it does taste worse the farther you are from milwaukee...im not gonna lie.

In this bar there is a section of glass flooring, why? because there is an alligator pit below so i am drunk, standing above a live alligator.

KingDong is drunk hitting on Lunchbox's girl so that's always interesting to watch. its the end of the night (as in 4am barclose) and KingDong decides to throw in the knockout punch, he orders 2 shots of tequila to him and Lunchbox's girl. This not only cancel's him out, but the girl as well.

KingDong accuses Lunchbox of cockblocking.

The girl decides to passout in lunchbox's car. lunchbox carries her up 4 flights of stairs. she falls face first onto the floor. Me and Rainman laugh at this while Lunchbox helps get the girl to bed.

We stay up and play beerpong. i pass out and rainman passes out outside.

DAY 2:

We wake up around 11am, Lunchbox decides to show us around town. Louisville is a very nice town i might move there someday.

we go to the mall to get KingDong a costume... Lunchbox see a pair of fake breasts...

We all decide KingDong will go as...Firecrotch in wet tee-shirt contest for Halloween.

KingDong decides to buy a pair of Victoria Secret Pink Collection Shorts. this costume got a lil out of control.

The party starts and i decide tequila is great for pre-game. like 8 shots. yay. eventually i finish the entire bottle. yay. so its ur basic college party but ill elaborate on the highlights...

[Girl]: hey your not from around here are you?
[Me]: no, im not, but that doesn't mean i can't tell your a whore.

[Girl]: I think your costume is hot
[Rainman]: Well I think your hot in general...

Rainman walks away in awkwardness.

A Catfight breaks out between...well 2 very good looking girls.. KingDong totall dress in drag breaks the fight up and starts yelling at the one who started the fight

[KingDong]: Get Out, Get the Fuck out now!

easily the most hilarious scene in the whole party. KingDong dressed in complete drag yelling at the top of his lungs...me and rainman nearly puked from laughing so hard.

As the party dies down we decide to go to the bars and i get...shitfaced. i also called up skittle and she was talking to me on speaker phone the entire time...i know im awsome.

when going back to the bars rainman is drunk and think's exercising is a good idea.

[rainman]: hey man do you wanna go for a run?
[me]: dude im so drunk i can barely walk, how the fuck am i going to "run"

so i end up passing out on top of the bar in Lunchbox's apartment and am still hammered drunk when i wake up at 11am...

the ride home sucked.

14. taco meat

2007-03-23T01:45:00.000-07:00

Written: March 2007
Occurred: March 2007 (same night)

Ah. so comes one of the most interesting, and disgusting stories of this blog, granted the golden shower story was gross, along with the Whale and the sandwich story but this baby tops the charts on the blog

the night started out like a normal thursday night. a girl dubbed "taco" called me up to hangout and drink later in the evening. I had just finished a huge report paper so i thought this was a splendid idea.

Taco picked me up along with Rainman (now banned from CC college might i add) and drove to the Somer's House for a calm (yes calm) night of enjoyment of live entertainment and to have a few drinks.

the 1st mistake taco made was drinking with just me and rainman, we tend to pick on the weakest link and if a sign of weakness is shown, well we send massive amounts of drinks in the general area. The thing was tonight, we honestly didn't contribute to Taco going awol.

We sit down, enjoy the live band. I had a few bacardi and cokes, Rainman stuck to beer for the night (but he took a few shots that were offered his way, he's not that much of a pussy) i owed Taco a Chocolate Martini so she took that like a virgin on prom night. It ended being a dangerous drink for Taco because it combined 2 things that she loves more then cock; Chocolate and Alcohol.

After 2 martini's she switched up 2 jack and coke (gross). I bought a round of shots for everybody sneaking in a shot of blackhouse for Rainman (i was declared an asshole for the remainder of the night) then i took another shot of tequila with my fellow crew members of Panama City Beach Spring Break (that story will be next). Then i ripped another shot with taco, Then another with the bar staff.

Taco, was talking shit about the Tennessee Vs. Ohio State game, saying that TN was gonna win it. I'm smarter then that (i also had $75 on Ohio State) and bet her that if Ohio State won, my debt of orgasms to her would be reversed and she would owe me. Obviously i won which ticked her off.

Then afterwards taco starts talking shit to me which according to Rainman got a little out of hand. Won of my fellow co-workers "Jax" being both drunk and loyal decided she wanted to fight Taco because she was talking down about me. Me and Rainman prevent this fight from happening using Rainman's drunk negotiation skills against taco and me just using brute force against Jax. (i don't hit girls but i dont mind putting them in locks to prevent them from moving).

Soon Taco decides its potty time. she leaves for 15-20mins and Rainman being soberish (well more sober then me) tells me to go check on her.

Ya. so i decide to go check on taco in the bathroom. i come back to a not so pretty sight (taco is a pretty girl and hot but that alone can't make up for the situation i encountered in the bathroom), Okay. so Taco has her skirt pulled up to her boobs which are pretty much hanging out at this point pissing on the garbage can. (Btw rainman just realized he has piss on him..everywhere)

I know this isn't a good thing and ask her if she is okay. She is crying and grabs onto me falling off the garbage can and (still pissing might i add) pisses all over my right leg. She falls on her ass into her own piss on the floor i catch her just in time to prevent her head from smacking into the piss floor. Whoa. i pull up her underwear and pull down her shirt (she's nakey from the lower boobs down) whoa tis gonna be awkward.

Taco is not in a good state she is crying about how she is gonna puke. I gently set her head down on the floor and call rainman for help. (she was so drunk she couldn't even walk oooh.) Me and Rainman being the "great" friends we are Pull up her underwear (a lacey black thong ohh baby talk dirrty to me) and pull down her skirt. It doesn't help much when i had to carry her by the legs and rainman by her arms to her car. Oh did i mention she was the DD for the night?

So we drag her to her car, one guy outside makes a comment about her underwear. I tell him "fuck you" and me and Rainman put taco in the back seat of her car. I decide to go back and get plastic bags (i know its gonna happen)

When i come back with the bags...its a little uh too late. Taco already decorated her back seat with well...her taco meal from before (hence the name). I put a plastic back in her face and she decides to spit in my face. great i love you too taco.

Its okay Taco already spit in Rainman's face before so its all good. Rainman decides to go back in to use the bathroom and to calm Jax down. So its just me and Taco i am kneeling in her puke in the back seat so i can get the plastic bag in position for her to puke. She has pukey taco meat all over her face, in her hair..everywhere. i decide the situation def isn't going in an UP direction and wipe off her face with my shirt.

She begins to heave again and i put the baggy up to her face. Rainman makes the comment "time to put the feedbag back on" and instead she vomits in her mouth and spits it all over my face. Thanks Asshole nice comment.

So we driver her back to campus. we can't get her to get out of her car so i call Picasso to help us out. he grabs a blanket. security is helping out too. I ask Taco if she is capable of walking. and she starts heaving again.

With no baggy at hand she pulls on my belt for stability and pukes...yes. inside my pants. the 2 security guards helping me are in shock. Then they start laughing cause seriously what else can you do.

I start laughing too. At this point its either that or cry. We finally transport her to a room to where she can stay for a moment. Security already called an ambulence in concer n for her safety.

So im in the room taking care of Taco. She's drunk blacked out yelling AngelLust if you want to fuck me just do it, just pull down my underwear and fuck me though my skirt.

I mean for some people having sex covered in puke is kinky, def not my style and i was def in the exact opposite mood. I tell taco to shut up and pass out. her response is i know you still wanna fuck me.

the paramedics come and one of them looks at me and this is the interaction

Paramedic: Son you might want to wash off your face
Me: whats up
Paramedic: well you got a little something (finally seeing my face is covered in puke)...well just wash off ur face.

They bring Taco back to the hospital and me and Rainman just sit there and look at each other...
i lick my lips and taste...taco bell. I tell rainman to do the same and he gets the same taste of afterpuke on his lips.

gross.

we eventually find out Taco is okay. which is a good thing. my pants are stained...inside and out with puke, my right leg is still wet with piss. Taco puked on my hoodie and his coat. man she caused a fair amount of collateral damage.

On the way out Rainman makes a comment to me "dude i think we are too good at what we do"

PS: rainman considers Taco puking chucks on me being even from slipping him the shot of blackhouse. we are currently waiting on taco's return to CC so i can finish this part. Taco not remembering a good 85% of this story im sure will love to read it. The next morning she ended up doing the walk of shame back to her dorm in a hospital gown, right as classes were getting out. I don't think any of us are going to be eating mexican food for a long while.

Ahh. life.

13. Mr. Whiskers and the stage 5 clinger

2007-02-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

Occured: Jan 2007
Written: Feb 2007

So i thought it was going to be a rather boring, non-eventful night. I went to work and started DJing, having a few drinks etc. My roomie Picasso was bragging how he is gonna nail some chick while im off DJing, i don't really care, chicks are a dime a dozen.

Nothing special, until Link came in saying,

[Link]: Um dude we have a, well a situation.
[Me]: Like What?
[Link]: Well that Chick Picasso hooked up with..um kinda is a stage 5 clinger.
[Link]: She also apparently had a bush, and he recieved rugburn on his balls and cock from it
[Me]: Hahahahaha wait, Hahaahahaha

So i guess i was sent here to recieve help from you of some sort. Like an emergency situation.

I come up with the idea to have Link call up Picasso and tell him that i am being taken away from my job because i just was dosed with alcohol poisoning. Link decides that this is a great idea. and quickly calls up Picasso then leaves to pick him up.

a few minutes Link arrives back, With no Picasso,

[Link]: Funny story, so i come in there to pick him up and he's trying to get her to leave cause we are susposedly visiting you in the hospital. and She said that she'll stay in the room and wait for us to come back.
[Me]: wow. hahahahahaha that's not funny but it is.

A few mins later Link gets a call saying its okay for him to pick up Picasso, a few minutes later Picasso arrives i look at him ask him

[Me]: So how was the lay?
[Picasso]: Dude Fuck You Man, Seriously. Fuck You.

The night winds down, ad i come back to my dorm to find Link and Picasso chillin in my room. i look at Picasso and laugh, then Link starts laughing, so I get to hear the holes of the story filled in.

Apparently after the failure of the Angel-Lust has alcohol poisoning alibi, Picassowas so fed up he called security to kick the girl out (it was past visiting hours) usually security would be all up for getting people in trouble but Picasso got this response from them

[Picasso]: hey um there is this girl in my room and she won't leave, its past visiting hours and i was wondering if you could kick her out.
[Security]: Nope, too bad. call your RA or something.

So Picasso got the RA who kicked her out. Our RA is a cool dude and understood the shitty situation.

Picasso then went into other details.

[Me] So was her bush longer then the hair on my head?
[Picasso]: ya dude. it was gross

She then also forgot to close out an AIM convo on his computer. It went into details about how he(mr. whiskers) was one of the Best's she's ever screwed, that she's never had sex longer then 10min, and how Picasso rocked her world.

[Me]: she said you guys did everything but anal sex ewww u went down on her bush huh?
[Me]: I think your new nickname is Floss
[Link]: HAhaahahaha

[Picasso]: Dude when i saw it i decided no, so you can't call me Floss cause i never made oral contact.
[Me]: Did her pubes touch anything else besides giving u rugburnon ur bestfriends and shaft
[Picasso]: well they touched my chin
[Me]: Fine, were calling you whiskers from now on
[Link]: Hahahahaha

With that Picasso played some Viva Pinata (seriously its like a little kids game) and i got fed up with me and Link calling him whiskers or floss that he just went to bed. Aren't i a great friend. Granted he DID get laid, but the juice wasn't worth the squeeze.

Stage 5 clingers aren't a good thing, but are funny when they aren't clung to you. Picassojust has bad luck getting normal fucks. something always fucks up

but i do give him props because he turned a rather boring night into a fun one.

12. The Crusty Cups debate

2007-01-22T01:52:00.000-08:00

Occured: Jan 2007
Written: Jan 2007

So it was a Saturday night, and i actually called of DJing at my bar (The Barn). I went back down into my hometown to DJ for C-Bears' party.

My roomie ("Picasso") and my sister (yes my sister the one who never drinks) accompanied me to this rather short escapade. Soon afterwards the legendary Firecrotch arrived and paid me half of the $200 she owes me (what can i say? my services come at a decent price)

In about an hour the party got busted. Not by the cops, by a rather suspicious, douchebag of a neighbor. He told everyone to dump out the alcohol. Me being one of the few 21 year olds there said to give it all to me. We put the remaining alcohol in the car and drove to my house. C-Bear then met up with us and we gave her back the booze.

Picasso was sprung off of one of C-bear's friends. and asked me if i could get her number from C-bear. I said no. and me, picasso, and Firecrotch headed back to CC College.

Before heading back to CC college Firecrotch decided she didn't want to drive. She offered Picasso to drive us back, he was excited cause it was a 2006 mustang GT. He stalled going from reverse to 1st gear. Firecrotch, with no patients and wanting to get drunk Firecrotch quikly booted him out and drove back.

Me and Firecrotch decided to head to The Barn.

Prior to this Firecrotch actually had tamed for a good while. She cut back on drinking, being crazy, etc. etc. Basically kinda went lame-o for a few good months and dissappeared off the radar.

Not tonight...i knew the legendary Firecrotch would be re-born at least for tonight. I walk into the Barn and there are some soroity girls i know standing on the bar pouring shots down people's throats. One spots me and yells out "Angel-Lust come here!"

instead of pouring me a shot in my mouth, she holds my mouth and completly fills it with alcohol. i take the mouthfull of hard liqour, which was goldschlagger, on that note my night was off to a start.

Me and Firecrotch started off with some Grey Goose Vodka's. and then got some free shots from the owner. Then more Grey Goose and vodkas. i spent around $40 that night. which doesn't seem like a lot, but when you work there and your employee discount is drinks are $1.00 it split to about 20 drinks a piece.

We start dancing on the dancefloor, and Firecrotch looks like she is raping me to the 10th degree. i won't like she dances pretty good, a hell of a lot better then me while intoxicated. Everyone is staring but its cool, she likes the attention and i dont really care cause im drunk. im sure im going to here about this night the next time i work.

We drink more and more and more. Towards around 12:30 Firecrotch is actually giving me lapdances on the middle of the dance floor. By this time Link and Rainman have arrived and get to see the Legend of Firecrotch in full force.

When last call is announced we slam our last Vodka drink which had to be Stoli because we drank the bottle of grey goose. (we are champs). And Firecrotch actually chugged and out drank Link. She called him a pussy.

We arrived back to my dorm room ( a scary ride back considering Firecrotch is drunk and drives a 2006 mustang GT, [rear wheel drive]). Firecrotch gets completely naked before changing (she's weird but not that i mind, my roomie picasso didn't mind either) and goes into my roomie's bed. We start arguing calling each other out on stupid behavior, slutty behavior, and illegal activities prohibited by federal and state law. The arguement was loud enough for security to here it and instead of kicking her out he said he would rather not get involved and to quiet it down.

Link came up with the fabolous idea of putting Firecrotch's Bra in the fridge. it was executed and she went bra-less to work. I wonder if she got any additional tips for that.

The kicker of the morning is out of spite of being blue-balled the night before by Firecrotch, Picasso decided that he would ejaculate all over her bra.

Post Script: For a brief moment in time the Legendary Firecrotch was reborn. She got blacked out, puked and enjoyed every minute of it. The Barn staff is probably going to say something about that night, simple cause me and her stole the show single handedly. There is also the debate in whether to change her nickname to Crusty Cups.

After giving the alcohol back to C-bear her party got busted by the cops a few hours later and everybody got tickets. Ahh...Youngens.

11. The Bojangles Beerbong Scandal.

2007-01-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

Occured: jan 2005
Written: jan 2007

It was X-mas break, or at least i had a few days left of it. My buddy Lunchbox came and picked me up from college. We promtly heard about a small "get together." at one of my old wrestling buddie's "Marnst's" house.

We quickly go off and buy booze knowing that this will turn this get together into something more interesting. One of my bestfriends "bojangles" decided to test out my legendary beer bong.

Orginally he hated beer, and favored hard liquor until he realized beer bongs went down soo smooth.

As the night progressed me and lunchbox, doing our usual "it's not peer pressure, its just your turn" mindset soon got bojangles to take about 10 beer bongs. i took about 6 or so but he was determined to out drink me in beers.

I just sit back and let him out drink me by 4 beer bongs, i know that he is already going to regret taking them past the 6th.

to my surprise, he didn't puke. so we call up some people to go get some late night food (it was around 2-3am that this unoffical beer challenge ended).

In the car ride to iHOP its lunchbox and bojangles and me. in the other car its jerboa and chante. apparently we tried to find a denny's but they were closed. lunchbox calls up jerboa and bojangles takes the phone away from lunchbox

[Jerboa]: hello?
[Bojangles]: HEY WERE GOING TO DENNY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[lunchbox]: no were going to iHOP
[Bojangles]: NO IHOP WERE GOING TO FUKING IHOP!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!!
WERE GOING DOWN DOWN SHUGGAR WERE GOOING DOOWN SWIIINGINGGG!

Bojangles then throws lunchbox's phone somewhere inside the car, i thought and lunchbox thought he threw it out the window. Finally lunchbox finds his phone on the floor of the car:

[Lunchbox]: Hello?
[Jerboa]: Never put him on the phone again

We arrived to iHOP and bojangles get's out of control. He orders an omlet with everything on it and 3 (yes 3) side orders of pancakes.

our orders come out and bojangles tries to pour syrup on his pancakes, instead of tilting the syrup pitcher to the side, he turns the entire thing upside down and syrup goes everywhere.

[Bojangles]: THIS IS THE BEST DENNY'S EVER!!!!!
[Lunchbox]: We are at iHOP...
[Bojangles]: OUR WAITRESS IS HOT!!!!!!!!!
[Waitress]: Thanks. (she was a table over)
[Bojangles]: I HAVE TO PEE REALLY BAD!!!!

Bojangles goes pee and the table has a moment of sanity. about 10 mins pass and some dudes come out of the bathroom.

[Random dude]: hey is that your guy in there?
[Me]: yeah whats up?
[Random Dude]: he passed out underneath the stall.

I walk in the bathroom, and it was confirmed bojangles was passed out head on the toilet of a public iHOP bathroom. how gross.

The late night dinner eventually ends, and we all head home. On the way home its me riding shotgun, lunchbox driving and bojangles passed out in the back seat.
We hit a yellow light and lunchbox brings the car to a screetching hault.

WHAM! bojangles head slams right into the head rest on the drivers side. he doesn't wake up from such an impact so lunchbox steps on the gas as soon as the light turns green. WHAM! bojangles head slams into the headrest of the back seat. I laugh

So lunchbox kinda just hits the gas and the breaks repeatedly slamming bojangles head into either the back headrest or the driver. hilarious i couldn't stop laughing.

bojangles crashed at my place and in the morning woke up feeling like shit.

[Bojangles]: hey man have u ever thorwn up a pancake?
[Me]: no, why?
[Bojangles]: it comes out like a pancake..
[me]: oh...
[Bojangles]: ya i puked in the laundry room garbage can...
[Me]: God Damnit!

Post Script: There isn't much to say about the rest. this was the last time i partied with bojangles because he moved away and now has a steady g/f. Obviously due to his g/f, a DUI, and other various incidents he retired.

Partying is like a highway, sometimes other people's exits are before yours, but the old Bojangles will always be a legend of this story.

10. Christmas Break 2006

2006-12-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

Been a while but i think this x-mas break is worth telling so far as a whole. if i wrote each story individually it would be lame, but writing about it together makes it a grand masterpiece (so far).

Thursday Dec 15:

I take my finals. after the adderall wears off i decide to actually eat something (adderall eliminates your hunger) and sleep till about 9pm.
Around 9pm i get up shower, and head out to the bar (Murphy's) and take advantage of the $2.50 long island ice tea special. I get drunk and go out to eat with some friends Lilbit, Jerboa, and Link.

Friday Dec 16th:

I wake up around 4:00pm pack up and leave CC college. i get home eat dinner. i DJ at my bar till 3am. i drink heavily and passout at home around 6am.

Saturday Dec 17th:

Wake up around 5pm. i don't DJ at my bar so i gather around to celebrate "PTZ's" 21st b-day. The party consists of me,"DD", Fiero, and Link. I buy Link 2 shots of liquid cocaine (goldschlager, bacardi 151 and yager) and one shot of just straight bacardi 151. i don't remember the ride to the restraunt. Apparently we meet up with Jerboa and Lilbit at the 24 hour restraunt. i pass out around 6am yet again.

Sunday Dec 18th:

I wake up around 5pm yet again. only for not such a joyous occasion. I pay my respects to a High School Classmate who lost his life serving in the military.

i go home around 7-8pm. around 11pm Link calls me up to go to a small party. I promptly decide to go.
the party is a lame sausage fest. i sip on my vodka grape juice/cranberry mix.

the girls passout around 1am shitty. some dude is talking shit to me, link, and another guy. I seriously debate whether to smash his face in, but i let it slide. He's obviously drunk and having more fun then me...why hate on him. me and link grab food and call it a night.

Monday Dec 19th:

A bunch of us (20+ or so) decide to hold a little reunion of high school friends. We decide to make it a chill kinda thing and throw it at a bowling alley.

most of us arrive and i decide i would like to have a drink. Its $1 tap beer, i think that is a good deal and buy a beer. Apparently others think this a great deal too and start drinking (by drinking i mean pounding) beers. i laugh knowing this is only phase 1.

It is Jugs 21st bday we decide to have dinner at TGI-Fridays. We all sit down. there is a good amount of us at the dinner party (some names included Rainman, Lunchbox, KingDong, Pady, and Zamboni)

The drinks start, and don't stop. I order 2 long islands. and Jugs boyfriend? friend? w/e orders everybody a shot. We take the shot and cheer loudly. We are obviously getting drunk.

Once the food arrives everyone is clapping because of the sheer drunkedness. Jugs, Zamboni, Me, Lunchbox, and Pady decide to go to the bar for a smoke break. We have a smoke and pound about 3-5 more shots each, yay.

We get back to the table and order more drinks and eat some more food. we leave (kinda get kicked out) around 11:30. Rainman declares we can throw a party at his house. The pussy peeps leave friday's and head for home...phase 3 to them seems like overkill.

So the eliete partiers unite....
We all quickly drive to dominicks and rush to the alocohol section. its only 11:45 and the gates are locked. we throw a mini riot the dominicks and the store manager opens up the gates. We buy about 5 cases of beer and 3 hard liquor drinks.

We arrive at Rainman's and start drink very,very heavily. Beerpong galore, and shots of rumplemintze and Baily's (yummy). around 3-4am Link is in the bathroom puking his guts out. Most of the guys are trying to get with girls they dub "skanks"or "sluts." Lunchbox crashes around 5am, KingDong following right behind. So me, Rainman, Celica, and Doug, are all left up drinking. (me and rainman are always one of the last to fall asleep due to our sheer alcoholicness and high tolerance level).

I finally crash around 9am. and wake up at 12pm-1pm with a nice little headache. i go home and go to sleep.

Tuesday Dec 19th:

Wake up around 6pm. Lunchbox picks me up around 8pm, and then rainman around 9pm. We decide to go to the casino in milwaukee. we arrive there and Lunchbox decides to go off and bet. me and rainman go grab some grub and hit up the bar (surprise, surprise). After that me and rainman lose around $20 playing the damn slot machines.

We then to decide to play blackjack. rainman now is a member of gamblers addicts. even through he lost $60 maybe more due to his constant buying back in's. I am up $160. Lunchbox is down $40 and rainman is down anywhere from $60 to $80. The night ends with us going home around 5am.

Wednesday Dec 20th:

I wake up to DJ at my bar around 5pm. i pick up Lunchbox and KingDong around 8:30pm. its $5 all you can drink till midnight and they start drinking heavily. I drink but not enough to get trashed, i still got a job to do. i introduce them to 2 girls i work with. They are hot but Lunchbox and KingDong are weird and think they are boring. At the endof the night i order them a pizza from the bar and they eat it like a little kid in a candy store.

Lunchbox got into an afterparty at 2 of the shotgirl's apartments. we go there and just chill for a while. Lunchbox is wasted and almost passing out on the futon. i laugh. we head home because lunchbox is tired and drunk and was giving the red light on the possibility of getting sex.

PostScript: so far so good.

9. The Milwaukee Brewers risky backseat business story

2006-11-22T00:52:00.000-08:00

Occured: June 2005
Written: Nov 2006

So my buddy Lunchbox and I decided to go up to a Milwaukee Brewers game. Along with us tags Lunchbox's boss "Nastynate" who is around 23-24 years old at the time.

Lunchbox also invites 1 girl "Caody" and she brings along one of her goodfriends. "Caodyfriend"

So Lunchbox comes and picks me up with Caody, Caodyfriend and Nastynate.

because none of us were 21 at the time we got Nastynate to buy us booze. we get a 18 case of beer along with some watermelon vodka with lemonade for the ladies. We start drinking with almost an hour car ride ahead of us.

apprently Caody and her friend are lighweights and are showing signs of drunkeness. I think i put too much faith into people's drinking abilities.

So i end up drinking the rest the their drinks. We park the car at miller stadium and start tailgating. we fisnish the beers and head in.

The girls are already blacked out, they don't even remember walking in the stadium.

The game begins and we sit down cheering on the brewers, Nastynate orders me a beer. the girls are blacked out and me and nastynate are starting to get drunk.

The Brewers hit a homerun and everyone starts cheering. All of a sudden Caody and her friend start making out (i guess celebrating the homerun). Then i totally start making out with both of them. A guy cheers us on.

After that fiasco be and nastynate head to find the bathroom. we are waitign in line and im pissing in a urinal, nastynate pissing in the urinal next to me and some random guy in a pink shirt and a cubs hat pissing next to nate.

nastynate turns to the guy in the pink shirt says "fag" and goes bag to peeing. after we are done pissing the dude gets up in his face

[Pinkshirt dude]: What did u you say?
[NastyNate]: i called you a fag, what kind of dude wears a pink shirt and a cubs hat to a brewers game, a fag that's who.
[Pinkshirt dude]: ya well the brewers suck.

Bad move on Pinkshirt Dude's part. The whole bathroom erupts into a near riot state after his comment. One guy throws a punch at Pinkshirt Dude. Pinkshirt dude's friends drag him out of the chaos.

Afterwards me and Nastynate go into the bar. I just walked in and sat down at the bar and ordered a drink with nastynate. After 3 or 4 long islands i'm feeling pretty good. Nastynate is feeling good too. We decide to find Pinkshirt dude.

We fail at finding him so we walk back to our seats. Lunchbox was waiting for us saying the game was over the Brewers were getting stomped. We go back out to the car to tailgate again.

Caody and Caodyfriend are walking are the parking lot showing random guys their boobs to score some beer.

On the way home Nastynate is in the passenger seat with Lunchbox driving. im the back seat with the 2 girls.

again i start making out with the 2 girls in the back seat. all the way home. Caodyfriend decides to give me a handjob in the backseat of Lunchboxes car.

The Next morning i woke up with a hangover and people pissed. including Caody's ex b/f. not to mention Lunchbox who mandated the new rule "you can't get any in my car until i get any."

Postscript: Caody and me aren't allowed to go to brewer's games anymore. Lunchbox wasn't happy with me for about 2 hours, then of course he let it slide cause we are bestfriends like that. besides that there isn't much to elaborate about this memory.

8. The Ring of Piss Story

2006-11-09T23:20:00.000-08:00

Occured: Jan 2005
Written: Nov 2006

So it is J-term at my school, which basicaly means drunken haze.

I mean think about it we only have one class a day, and everyone comes back in Jan with x-mas money. so basically its one big blur

So we start the day (around 3:00pm) drinking in Smokey's room. eventually Lunchbox shows up along with "BubblyBabe", "Buttox" and "G-String"

Smokey's Room eventually become a party with more people showing up.

around 9pm i start to get a little belegerent, and by little i mean a lot. So i was talking to a girl "shortshit" at the time. she was drunk and decided to play games and kissed Smokey. Being the dumb freshmen i was i let it get to me and told her to fuck off. (if i really said fuck off that would be nice, apparently i said a lot more)

on top of that i decided to tell every single girl to fuck off. im such a nice guy.

so we head off to a frat house (the girls being in a different car so my drunken self doesn't notice)

Once we are there i decide to take shots along with a shitload of beer.

according to lunchbox i bumped shoulders with someone and decided to punch their face in. the owners of the house decided to kick him out instead of me (cause im cool with them)

shortshit tries to take my beer from me. bad move, i let it rip on her, calling her various things, some which include a sandy cunt, a bitch, and other various nice words like cuntsucking whorebag.

I do god knows what ( i think i went outside to smoke a joint or a cig, kinda hazy)

i come back to lunchbox cuddling with shortshit. i don't care at this point. apparently i drove her to drink cause im a douche. She says she's going to puke so lunchbox grabs a fraternity 30th anniversery beer pitcher and she pukes into that. The owner of the house sees this and states that better the beer pitcher then the furniture.

The rest of the story is only what i heard from lunchbox. i completely blacked this part out but since he is one of my best friends i trust him not to bullshit.

apparently according to testamony, lunchbox decided to have a smoke. i walked out said heyyy to him and dropped my pants down to my ankles and started to piss.

About mid piss i fall flat on my face in the snow passed the fuck out still pissing.

Lunchbox is a true friend. he let me piss all over myself and when i was done he pulled up my pants, slung me over his shoulders, and gathered the crew and carried me over to the car

when comming back to CC he carried me up 4 flights of stairs and put me in my bed. he escorted shortshit back to her dorm. comes back to mine to find me drinking more alcohol..

he is pissed and leaves and spends the night in shortshit's room.

needless to say, i woke up with a nice hangover and a good amount of people pissed off at me...

Postscript: Lunchbox and shortshit got "involved" from that point on. he even baked her a fucking cheese cake after knowing her for like 3 days. I was pissed because i was his best friend for as long as i remember and he never baked me a god damn cheese cake.

BTW lunchbox when i hope u read this : Bake me a fucking cheesecake.

7. Marquette 1st degree assault story.

2006-10-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

Occurred: October 2006
Written: October 2006

So we decide to go up to marquette again. around 7pm Goldenboy comes up to CC college with 2 of his buddies "Gfriend1" and Gfriend2" and i actually do something that was failed before; Get some fucking alcohol to pre-game with.

We go to the liquor store (aka the hallways of heaven) and i pickup my favorite vodka Level. I could seriously drink that stuff 24/7 it's so smooth, and tastes great. i like it on the rocks with half a lemon squeezed in, amazing.

Anyways, we chill in my room till about 9 when Rainman and "CountryBumkin" (haha im probably gonna get killed for that nickname but whatever) and C-Bear and "Firecrotch" show up.

Firecrotch makes me make her some ramen noodles cause she is a wimp and can't eat pizza with some red peppers on it. so we continue to pre-game and leave around 9pm.

We take 2 cars this time around, one car consisting of Rainman, Goldenboy, CountryBumkin and gfriend1. In the other car is Me, Level Vodka, gfriend2, C-bear.

The ride up there isn't really fun, firecrotch has no music and what music she has kinda sucks. its like chicky techno music which is okay but its like chicky music that is like 3 years old.

We park the cars, and to tell you the truth it looked pretty dead. Luckily either CountryBumpkin or Rainman know someone that was having a little shindig. We seach for the address of 933.

In looking for 933 we pass a house with some guys sitting on the porch.

[Me]: Hey do you guys know where 933 is?
[Random Dude]: Well guys house 853 is right here
[Me]: no, no 933 is what im looking for they have a keg
[Random Dude]: well i heard 853 has 4 kegs. and shots.
[Me]: WELL Looks like we found the place guys Right here!

We go into this house party, and we are like one of the 1st groups there. i quickly empty the rest of my level into the 2liter bottle of lemonade. Firecrotch takes a few gulps. Now i take a few good gulps

Rainman makes CountryBumpkin chug the vodka lemonade. She tries but doesn't really finish it up. i take a few more chugs then hand the rest over to firecrotch who opens up and finishes up the rest of the drink, wonderful deepthroating and swallowing skills, (golf clap for firecrotch)

So everyone is pretty drunk (im only mildly intoxicated) and i find myself talking to random people simply because firecrotch is off looking for hot boys to fuck, C-bear and Goldenboy are talking to each other, and Rainman and CountryBumpkin are off talking somewhere.

I don't mind one bit. i walk out to the porch and light a cig. i talk to people outside. One guy is talking about how he smacked his girlfriend, i tell him he must be a really cool dude and a real rebel. The people on the porch laugh as he walks away from the party giving me the middle finger.

I start convo with a girl asking her what her major is, she said partying and drinking, i tell her she has a wonderful future ahead of her and that's a response "too cool for school" she leaves the porch area as well. heh girls love me.

I walk into the party and head toward the keg to get more beer. about 5-6 more beers later i guess my crew decided to check out 933. everyone gathers up and goes to 933.

we get to 933 and its lame. just a few people chillen. i fill my beer and me, rainman, and gfriend1 and 2 stay behind to drink more beer while goldenboy, c-bear, and firecrotch go find another party.

While they went off to find a party everyone shows off their tattoos. how cool. anyways i get sick of waiting around and take gfriend1 and 2 with me to find goldenboy who found a party.

We get to the door of the apartment complex and i give goldenboy a call. i ask him to let me in and look in the window and see him dickin around with c-bear, i bang on the glass and tell him through the phone to open the fuckin door.

We get to the party and get cups and starting drinking. the beer is fuckin milwaukees best light basically shit in a keg. i don't care though im drunk. i buy firecrotch a shot of rum, haha she's a drunk ass and totally blacked out by now. She is all over some random dude and like humping him, i laugh in amusement.

I then head up to the bathroom area and pass goldenboy and C-bear cuddling/making out or whatever on the stairs. at the top of the stairs while waiting in line i see this dude complaining about how nasty the beer is. His friend tells him to drink and he says fuck this and throws the beer down the stairs.
I laugh, then i hear c-bear scream. The beer landed on both her and goldenboy. she comes up furious asking who the fuck spilled beer on her. i just say i dunno (the dude who did spill beer on them wa in the bathroom). i laugh again cause im a dick.

We finally decide to leave due to um police shit. anyways firecrotch is fucking wasted, like can barely stand wasted. i laugh cause she almost falls and busts her shit.

on the way back home Gfriend1 drives cause he is sober, Gfriend2 is in the passenger seat. and im the backseat with firecrotch (which ended up being a big mistake later that night)

Firecrotch is asleep in my lap, seriously i could have just unzipped my pants and poked her in the face. she is weird and finds in comforting to hold on into the holes in my jeans and she rips them. Seriously i think she is a dominatrix she likes to bite and pinch and scratch at random points.

So we are following Rainman who is driving CountryBumpkins car. we pull into a gas station and CountryBumkin and C-bear run into the bathroom. i look on the side of the car and there is puke all over it. Rainman tells me CountryBumpkin puked out the window. I laugh and get some food. 2drinksdrunk calls me

[me]: sup?
[2drinksdrunk]: are you still partying at marquette? i heard of a huge party
[me]: sorry all cool big parties are done already
[2drinkdrunk]: no, i just heard of one right now, u should come back up
[me]: really i just heard of a cool party at this gas station right here its really big and cool, you should come here!
[2drinksdrunk]: ill talk to you later.

comming back from the gas station rest stop my friend grudgefan calls me she's nice and just wanted to see what im up to.

[grudgefan]: so whats up?
[me]: nothing just comming back from the party
[firecrotch]: (yelling) BITCH!!! CUNTRAG!!! SLUT!!!
[grudgefan]: what is going on?!
[me]:nothing hold on (trying to stop firecrotch from taking my phone) okay, so what where you saying OWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

Firecrotch sunk her teeth in my arm like a fucking police dog. i wont lie that fucking hurt. i tell grudgefan ill call her back.

[me]: firecrotch what the fuck is wrong with you?
[firecrotch]: hehehe

whatever.

firecrotch also called 2drinksdrunk and cussed her out. girls are so weird sometimes

anyways with CountryBumpkin being sick Rainman pulls over to give our car Goldenboy and C-bear.

So now its me, firecrotch, goldenboy, and C-bear in the back. i turn and look out the window and hear this:

[goldenboy]: firecroch stop pinching me
[goldenboy]: stop
[goldenboy]: okay now your gonna get it
[goldenboy]: OWWW!!!! OKAY STOP, STOP!!!

Yes, firecrotch bit him too, im seriously debating whether to get checked for rabies.

we come back to my dorm and its just me and firecrotch the rest of them had to pick up/drop off stuff in goldenboy's car.

im sitting at my computer, and firecroch takes off her pants, and then her thong. so she is standing there half-naked from the waist down. i really don't care (its not like i haven't seen her whoo-ha or tits before)

She tries to put on her Pajama pants and completly falls backwards onto a box fan and knocks over various things on my roomies nightstand and just kinda lays there for a sec.

[me]: you drunkass
[firecrotch] (laughing) fuck you
[me]: oh by the way thanks for the porn star view of your cooter
[firecroch]: fuck you i don't care.

that girl has no shame.

C-bear comes back and goldenboy and his friends leave. firecroch keeps poking her head out of my roomies bed and joining in on conversations. i tell her to go to fucking bed and she passes out.

security caught c-bear so we took a walk around campus before heading back into my room. Snafu called C-bear and she went to bed w/ him that night. ( iwas kinda happy with that, i don't like sharing my bed unless im either really drunk or about to pass out, post orgasm)

I had to wake up firecrotch at 9am cause she had to work. she woke up and couldn't find her thong. haha o well. so after firecrotch pukes she goes and gets c-bear. i go back to bed asap.

PostScript: firecrotch's bite left a huge bruse on my shoulder/tricep. it looks like someone hit me with a lead pipe, but if u look close enough you can see teeth marks, i also have scratches and cuts from firecrotches abusive nature. seriously if i didn't love firecrotch as one of my biggest party girls; i could seriously file assault charges (but i won't cause everyone has their vicious, bloodthirsty, violent drunk days right?)

Goldenboy and C-ber will find out that i knew who threw beer on them after reading this story. how funny (to me)

Oh, and somewhere in my room is firecrotch's victoria secret thong, in talking with her post party she also said she flashed the beer pong table. what a champ.

6. The Tale of The Whale and The Sandwich

2006-10-06T00:38:00.000-07:00

Occurred: March 2006
Written: October 2006

So its St. Patties Day. I know most people could give a shit, but to us college kids St. Patties Day is like a celebrating New Years twice.

i was on spring break and went looking for a party. My friend "Body" decided to throw one at his house. Perfect so i call my friends all tell them about the party.

But when parties happen last minute usually results turn sour, i was pretty impressed though a good 20-30 people showed up. a lot of my friends showed up but ill only list the ones of importances to this story:

::Lunchbox:: my ultimate party buddy, this is the first story he is mentioned in but u will hear is name quite often

::Rainman:: heh isn't he always there

::Navi:: a new recuit who i've only partied with once before, it takes a lot to party and keep up me i decided to give him a shot (last time he's ever partied is St. Patties day)

::TheGonz:: Another new recruit, jock buddy from high school

::MTripleA:: she's a good friend and at the time was my drunk make-out buddy

Along with other various people invited by random people. Including "TheWhale" TheWhale is seriously what i say she is, the size of a whale, laying down she took up the entire fucking couch both in width and in length, keep that in mind as the story progress.

So the night starts off like normal people doing shots of whatever and of course the keg. from what i seemed it was going to be a pretty dull, chill type of party. a few keg stands, and a few shots later it begins to heat up a bit.

You know how it goes people begin to dance, alcohol makes you think you can dance better. I start making out with MTripleA. Then it seems the party dies down.

So TheGonz and Navi are fucking wasted with their shirts off having people sign them and shit, so i just sign "i love cock" on Navi's back He doesn't care he's wasted.

So we are all just chillen shooting the shit when in front of the entire party TheGoz gets on top of TheWhale and starts making out. Seriously man, fucking disgusting, but whatever is just making out something to laugh about in the morning....

Wrong, before we know it both TheWhale and TheGonz strip down naked and start fucking on the sofa. TheGonz is about my height so it looks like a toy poodle fucking a St. Bernard. They are seriously going at it.

The whole party stops in awe and there is a huge silence.

As nasty as this sounds i actually found it amusing. Lunchbox quickly grabs a marker and signs on TheGonz's ass "Lunchbox was here." Neither TheWhale or TheGonz seems to notice so it begins

[Body]: (after mircowaving a bread with peanut butter on it and handing it to me) Angel Lust, i call you out man, stick it on one of them.
[Me]: Fine i will

Don't call me out on anything ill do it. So i walk over and take the peanut butter side down and stick it on TheGonz's ass cheek

[Me]: (turning to Navi) I call you out.

Navi takes a plastic butter knife and scoops out some peanut butter and sticks it in TheGonz's asscrack. TheGonz is too blacked out to notice.

[Navi]: Body i call you out.
[Body]: this is my house fucker watch this

Body goes into his fridge and busts out some butter, turkey, and solomi he begins throwing it all over TheGonz and TheWhale. Finally realizing what is going on the naked couple walks up stairs and goes up into the upstairs room and shut and lock the door.

Almost on cue Body's brother comes in. he has an intership with the Lake County Sheriff. Body tells his bro to come up with us with his flashlight and his jacket (which has a police badge on it)

Me, Body, Lunchbox, and Body's Bro all creep upstairs to the door.

After the count of 3 me, body, lunchbox all kick the door wide open and Body's brother storms in

[Body's Bro]: Lake County Sheriff put your hands up this party is fucking busted! lets see some ID!!

TheGonz and TheWhale both let out high pitch screeks and Body's Bro closes the door:

[Body's Bro]: Dude that is a nastiest shit i've ever seen man, u guys are fucking sick.

So we all go down stairs and Body comes back down laughing.

[Me]: whats so funny?
[Body]: I took a picture of TheWhale and TheGonz with (TheBlondes) camera and found THIS!

Body held up TheWhales thong. He laughed as he could stetch them and they could reach shoulder blade to shoulder blade. fucking sick

Now a passed out blonde is on the couch wear the nasty deed happend and Body takes TheWhales thong and puts it around her neck and over her eye kind of like a pirate, fucking hilarious. She also brought a camera (the one body used to take pictures of TheWhale and TheGonz) so we took a picture of her with a fat girls thong over her eye.

After this is all said and done is about 5:30 in the morning, Me and Lunchbox and MTripleA head home.

Post Script: TheGonz completely blacked out, the entire night and woke up completly naked next to TheWhale. Neither TheGonz or Navi have partied with me since the incident.

Oh and before i made out with MTripleA she sucked Navi's dick.Fucking Bitch, i was like wtf but she said he didn't cum so i guess that's okay?

I still never found of if that girl (blonde) ever developed that camera.

5. Angel Lust Goes to UW Madison Halloween

2006-10-03T23:33:00.000-07:00

Occurred: October 2005

Written October 2006

So everybody knows UW Madison is the #1 party college...in the U.S. because of one reason; Hallo-fucking-ween. Of course knowing this and Madison being only an hour or so away how could i miss out?

I quickly rally what troops i could. the list of party goers are as follows, i didn't have a car on campus so i had to choose selectively.

::Snafu:: was orginally going up there with his girlfriend, but she went up friday night, and he had no DD let alone a ride up there so he was in

. ::C-Bear:: was hands up for Madison simply because she was still young (high school young) and this was an oppurtunity not only to go to a college party, but the biggest one in the fuckin U.S.

::MisZ:: Party girl and totally up for it.

::AL:: MisZ's bestfriend (at the time) came up cause it was a party and at the time saw a picture of me in MissZ's room and she thought i was hot/cute and wanted to meet me.

::Zamboni:: he took my phone call as if it was an omen from god and quickly set out to find a costume.

::Frenchbitchtits:: One of my closest friends, but he always DD's because he doesn't trust us to drive ourselves to and from any destination sober.

So we all arrive in my dorm room and begin to pre-game.

Zamboni is dressed up in a hippie costume that he bought at the salvation army.

I'm dressed up as an elf.

FrenchBitchTits is dressed up as a chef

C-Bear is a cowgirl.

Snafu is wearing a kid sized fireman's costume, he resembles more of a male stripper then a fireman

The only ones who aren't in costume are MisZ and AL. how lame. I ask them if they brought a costume but they said no. MisZ exclaimed that they already were in costume, because they are going as lesbien lovers. the funny thing is, later in the night they lived up to their "costumes"

So we all pre-game a little bit. Snafu is drinking Franzia shit wine cooler, i don't know he thinks its classy and accessable. i agree with him on that part i mean it IS a portable box of wine, i can't deny that.

The ride up there is pretty slow considering FrenchBitchTits drives like a 90 year old grandma. But we eventually get there, with plenty of singing and yelling along the way. Did i mention we fit all those people mentioned above in 1 car, ya kinda cramped.

We meet up with one of my old high school friends "Kelro" she's a cool chick and gets a kick out of our costumes. She is dressed like a school girl ha, i saw a lot of school girl costumes that night.

We eventually make it to State Street. I was in ectasy, there seriously is around 80,000 drunk people all in costumes. I was buzzing pretty good due to some more pre-game at Kelro's place.

I saw some of the best costumes in my life there, a group of people actually dressed up like the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, not to mention all the slutty costumes, whore costumes, and stripper costumes, keg costumes (with an actual tap the holds liquid, i had some and the dude had whiskey in it.) We lose Zamboni in the crowd and he catches up to explain

[Me]: where were you?

[Zamboni]: Dude the Keg Costume dude had whiskey in it,hahaha they i tried his friends tap and it had vodka in it, this is so fucking awsome!!

I wonder about him sometimes

Kelro eventually leads us off of State Street and to a house party. Snafu decided to meet up with his girlfriend and said he'd meet up with us later.

We arrived to the house party and then i get to experiance the awsome power of jungle juice. I drink quite a bit. i look to my right and see MisZ and AL chillen there i turn around to get another cup and hear this:

[MisZ]: AL!!

[AL] MisZ!!!

and they start making out. not like your standard "two girls making out because guys told them to makeout", im talking full on "the fucking titanic is going down into the ocean and they are on it" making out.

A few minutes later find myself making out with MisZ. A few minutes after that with AL. ha i guess im a make out slut?

so we are still chillen in the same place when a big hairy fat dude walks by us. MisZ trashed off her ass asks the dude if she can sign his sexy body ( talk about fucking beer goggles) so she does and out of randomness licks his hairy nipple.(and by hairy i mean the dude looked like he had a sweater vest on)

So Zamboni and AL are hooking up. it doesn't bother me- i have my eye on a girl in a slutty nurse costume. All of a sudden she comes up to me ad askes if i can help her use the bathroom (wtf?)

i don't remember ever going with her into the bathroom, how we got into the bathtub, or how she got topless. i just remember comming to my senses and she was on top of me with top off making out with me in the bathtub.

Cool. i look to my left and there is a dude pissing in the toilet watching us do whatever the fuck we were doing in the bathtub? So what did i do? Closed the shower curtain.

So i come back down to the party and MisZ is missing. We look outside and she is hooking up with some dude. Ha nice. Anyways its pretty late and we decide to leave the party.

We stumble/walk/whatever to a street corner so one of Kelro's friends can pick us up. We head back home to CC.

On the way back everyone fucking passed the fuck out in the car, except me and FrenchBitchTits, how boring.

So we arrive back in my dorm room and C-Bear had to be home before 5am (remember she is still a youngen in the story, then again she will always be a youngen to me) so i take her home in Zamboni's car and get mcdonalds (drunk people's food heaven) along the way.

I eventually get back to my room and MisZ is sleeping in Snafu's bed, and Zamboni and AL are asleep on the futon. oh well im tired and just want to sleep.

That night i found out the futon in my room is extremely um, loud. As i start to fall asleep and close my eyes a very distinct noise begins to sound.

Squeak, Squeak, Squeak

Okay i think to myself, they are just getting comfortable.

SqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueak, Squeak Squeak. Squeak

Silence... Haha i think to myself Zamboni is a one minute man

SqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueak, Squeak Squeak. Squeak

damnit.

Quick thinkin comes to mind and i turn on every fan in the room and fall asleep.

Postscript: I never figured out the name of my hot nurse, i still refer to her as my hot nurse of Madison apparently AL told me i was in the bathroom with her for around 30 minutes.

AL and Zamboni dated soon after Madison night and broke up just recently.

4. The 4th Story Puke Bucket

2006-10-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

Occurred: March 2005
Written: October 2006

So my buddy "pady" decides to visit up at my college (CC) for the first time. From hearing prior about his lightweight abilities i figure it would be not only fun to get him trashed, but also cheap.

Before he arrives i decide on the poison of choice...Yager! the thick cough syrupy liquid that tastes like black liquirish.

he walks up to my room. it was a wednesday or thursday night (yes i drank on weekdays, and still do) so i had to watch myself cause i had an 8am class the next day. does that mean i really watched my liquor? yes i did watch my liquor, i watched it go down my thoat and pady's in mass quantity.

we took about 6-8 yager bombs a piece. we weren't alone my ladyfriend "Grudgefan" took those bombs right along side of us. She's very impressive and one of the few girls i know that can actually keep up with me when it comes to drinking.

Anyways, after the 8th bomb or so Pady decides to go to sleep. lame. he didn't even puke. so i go to bed and wake up for my 8am feeling half-way shitty.

I come back to get yelled at by my next door neighbor "Smokey" saying that last night Pady crawled into his roomates bed and puked all over the floor near the bottom bunk (this made him mad because the bottom bunk had been offically made into the floor hotbox)

so what do i do? throw a towel over it. problem solved. i then talk to Pady who is still feeling like shit asking if he was okay:

[Me]: you feeling alright?
[Pady]: ya i puked out the 4th floor window though?
[Me]: ah shit, why did you do that?
[Pady]: because some big fucker saw me and decided to pick me up and spin me around.
[Me]: haha did anybody see you?
[Pady]: ya a small group of people and from it looked like they were with their families, they waived to me.

Needless to say, Pady blew chunks out the 4th floor window in front of a group of perspective students and their parents. Yes people who were checking out the college saw my buddy puke out the window, great first impresssion of a college don't you think?

i wonder if any of those kids actually considered comming to CC college.

Postscript: The puke that i covered with a towel stayed there in Smokey's room for about 3 weeks. They tried to clean it up but after 3 weeks it kind of just molded to the groud. We then brainstormed of how to fix this, and decided to put a rug over the puke-crusted floor towel.

3. The Marquette Golden Shower Story

2006-10-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

Occurred: September 2006
Written: October 2006

Okay, so i will admit this year for parties is really kind of dry. So obviously this means i have to be explore to find more parties.

One of my friends "2drinksdrunk" suggests that i meet her up at Marquette. This seems like a good plan to me and its a chance for me to party in a place unfamiliar, which i like to do.

Immediatly i see that this could be a possible escapade i call up my two buddies "Rainman" and "Goldenboy." since none of them had prior plans they both are promtly in. i remember the phone convo with Goldenboy

[Me]: Hey dude whats up what are you up to tonight?
[Goldenboy]: Not much really, i have to work in the morning
[Me]: Wanna go to Marquette and party?
[Goldenboy]: Well, Ok.

So its around 10pm and both arrive to good ol CC. Goldenboy decides the best choice for him to drive due to work in the morning so we head up to Marquette.

Its pretty jumping once we get there, it takes forever to find a place to park. In my book thats a definate good thing. we eventually find a place to park and i call up 2drinksdrunk to see where in the hell she is amoung the madness.

We meet up with her on the corner of Kilborne and 16th street. Keep in mind we made the mistake of not pre-gaming so we are dead sober. 2drinksdrunk is already drunk and on the corner with some dude. When she gets drunk she gets mean.

[Me]: Hey how are the parties any of them good?
[2drinksdrunk]: Go Away
[Me]: okay bye

I mean don't get me wrong, 2drinksdrunk is a very nice and sweet person. Just not when she's drunk.

Oh well, So me Goldenboy and Rainman hit up the parties. The first party we go to is pretty crowded. We get in and we go down into the basement. Good god, it was like fuckin 200 degrees in there. I was able to get a beer, but then the keg went dry. How fuckin lame is that?

Our spirits weren't crushed, and i split my lukewarm shitty beer with Goldenboy and Rainman. and we searched for another party (there were like 20 parties going on)

The next party is a pretty good. Its an apartment party and its packed. but they still have an entire keg in. Me and Rainman do what we do best; stand by the keg and drink as much as we can.

yes, needless to say the keg went dry and probably 88.8% was probably because of me and Rainman.

The hosts of the party were great, as soon as the keg went dry they immediatly switched to serving hard alcohol. great hosts, most parties end when the keg(s) run out, but they were determined to keep it going.

i buy 3 shots of grey goose or as i like to refer to it as "the nectar of the gods"

Me, Goldenboy, and Rainman all take a shot

i buy another round of shots this time yager. all 3 of us promtly take them.

Me and Rainman decide it would be funny of we got Goldenboy fucking wasted, aren't we great friends?

i pay $2 for a solo cup filled half grey goose, half pucker, a nice combo in my book especially if the drink isn't for me.

As the night goes on me and Rainman promtly see that Goldenboy is failing as time passes. We find this highly amusing. I promtly buy Goldenboy another shot of goose so i quickly spring in to action

[Me]: (to a cute girl) hey wanna shot?
[Cutegirl]: yes ill take one
[Me]: aight ill give you one but you have to tell Goldenboy he's a pussy for not taking the shot i just bought him, its his first shot of the night and he chickend out
[Cutegirl]: haha okay.

Soon enough Goldenboy takes that shot like a bouncer at a bar and then Rainman pours another shot of goose into the vicious mix of pucker and goose that Goldenboy has been working on for like 2-3 hours.

So the time comes to leave. i know Goldenboy is going to vomit, its just a matter of time. so i ask the hosts for a plastic bag, or a few. they promtly find some and we head back to the car.

Goldenboy can't even walk straight, he's also talking at a very high level to random people. He knocks on a door shouting that there is a party, when there isn't.

We get to Goldenboy's car and me and Rainman look at each other. We are all pretty drunk, and we don't know which one of us should drive back to CC and Goldenboy is not an option.

I decide to drive. and its Rainman in the passenger seat and Goldenboy behind Rainman in the back seats. Goldenboy is puking out his intestines.

Goldenboy fills up an entire bag that we have to switch to the other one. he grabs the other bag and exclaims

[Goldenboy]: Thhere is a hoole inn diz one.
[Rainman]: here let me see (ties the bottom in a knot) see all fixed.

Rainman has to piss, so i hand him an empty gatorade bottle. He pees in it and tries to get Goldenboy to drink it saying it will make him feel better. I laugh.

about 30mins later Rainman has to pee again. and opens up the window. He starts peeing out the window, but the piss doesn't go out the window, it flies back in all over Goldenboy who its puking in the backseat. I laugh again, but the piss also smears up the back window if Goldenboy's car. so i can't see out the rear-view. Goldenboy got a golden shower from rainman.

We get back to CC and Goldenboy is puking in the parking lot. Security drives by and asks if he is okay. I tell him ya, he was just a dumbass and drank too much, the security guard laughs and says he's gotta learn sometime.

Goldenboy pukes for another 3 hours and finally passes out. i still don't know if he made it to work that morning. i doubt he's ever going to drink with me and Rainman again.

Postscript:

Goldenboy calls up Rainman being very pissed off about the piss all over his car, and in his backseat. Rainman tells me while Goldenboy was getting pissed on he just thought it was raining.

2. The first party.

2006-10-02T00:37:00.000-07:00

Occurred: Sept 2004
Written: October 2006

Well it was the first weekend of college to me i go to (CC) college. and like other freshmen i wanted to check out the party scene. i didn't really know too many people but then again, it was my first weekend there.

Luckly Snafu one of my first friends here at college was luckly enough to score us a party. He asked his freshmen orientation leader if she knew of any parties. Being that she was attracted to him and wanted to fuck him, he was quickly got the info on the only party that night.

so we all pre-game a little bit at her dorm room. some shots of bacardi limon and such, (not my drink of choice but then again was a freshmen and had no booze, but you take what you can get) and we promptly left for the party.

We all hop into a small car, there are about 8 of us and im a small guy (5'5 125lbs) and let me tell you it was fucking cramped to fuckin shit in that car, but i was buzzing and didn't really care.

So half-way to the party a girl declares she has to piss, so we pull into some weird farm like kinda resembles the one from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and the girl fuckin pops a squat and pisses. Being the rather obnoxious doche sometime i decide it would be funny to turn on the brights, i guess it was only funny to me.

So we arrived to the party location which is known as "The Barn." i was appalled by the location. it was off a main street and we turned off onto this side-road and traveled what seemed like a mile. all of a sudden the trees cleared and i it was a huge yard and like a barn structure. amazing, no way in hell cops could find this place. it was so busy they had people directing traffic.

so i hop out of the car, and exchange numbers (yes the party was that big where you could lose people) and i decide i have to piss. i pomptly pissed on the car next to ours and head towards the keg.

My buzz is wearing off and im starting to get pissed. its like a 100 people trying to get at the keg. luckly the dude next to me had everclear, and was friendly enough to let me have some, and by some i mean a good 4 shots.

everclear fucks you up. fuck i only had one cup of beer and that was enough to give me the damn spins. so im fucking wasted. i met a bunch of new people, which i remember none of their names.

i blackout, or as i like to refer to it as "time travel". I'm dead drunk pissing on a tree, the funny thing is someone is helping me pee. so i come to my senses to a girl holding my penis and holding me up to pee, that is true hospitality.

but like they say for everything good that happens to you something bad has to happen too, so after i get done pissing i head back to the party (did i mention i was pissing like a good half a mile away from the party?)

i arrive back and some douche decides to laugh and tell me im wasted, i tell him well no shit sherlock, but im having more fun then you and that the girl holding my penis to pee is probably more action then you will get in your entire life.

i start chatting it up with a cute girl the conversation goes as follows

[Me]: hey so are you a freshmen too how do you like it so far?
[drunkgirl]: i like it a lot im so wasted though, hehe
[me]: really im wasted too my name is Angel Lust
[drunkgirl]: really? that's a cute name mine is BLAHHHHHHHHH

Yes, the "blah" was the closest thing to a word to replicate the sound of her puking on me. that's hot, not really. she puked right on the neck area of my shirt and i could fell the warm, strong alcoholic puke go down my shirt. i quickly took of my shirt and being the nice fresmen i was took care of the girl until some of the frat guys took over for me. I'm sure they probably fucked her.

The ride home consisted of people asking where my shirt was, and if i puked cause i smelled like it.

welcome to college.

1. The Intro

2006-10-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

well, due to popular demand, and just sheer boredness i have decided to keep a blog of all my college stories since my freshmen year of college. granted im sure to forget some of them so those of you who remember any or see anything i left out, please feel free to let me know.

All names (including my own) are complete pseudonyms, or for the less grammar effecient, pseudonyms are nicknames.

welcome to my sharing of escapades with you, i hope you enjoy reading it hopefully this will help me remember all the things (stupid things) that i have done and experianced

-Angel Lust